Jinny = Irritable

This week has been a rather productive week. I found a new mutant, did tons of immunohistochemistry, did a TUNEL assay and an in situ hybridization; and on top of that, I pen down the figures of my first scientific paper, and made changes to the introduction for the paper. But it wasn't enough... I still had loads of things to do. All the workload running round and round in my head made me irritable. I wasn't really in a bad mood. Most of the time, I was smiling and joking around. But irritable I was...

And today, as usual Saturday is my "calling day"... but mum and dad wasn't at home to pick up the phone, and he was somehow occupied. And as I sat in front of the computer staring blankly at it, I was irritable. I was annoyed that I had pushed all my experiments till later, and that means that I have to stay in the lab till past midnight (and have to wake up early to go to church the next morning)... and all because I wanted to chat with my loved ones, and yet don't get to really with them. Instead I was just waiting and waiting... not knowing if they were busy and not expecting to chat with ... and that I could go on and do my own stuff, or if they were going to be free in a short moment. This not knowing made me irritable. I felt like I was wasting my time. And I couldn't start with my own stuff, because once I start, I've to continue working for many many hours. So I waited and waited, until I decided to just forget it, and do my own stuff, before I get more irritable and start growling.

I realized the higher I go in my career, the less time I have for my friends. Everything has to be planned. Organized. I even have a plan for "rest". I have to make an extra effort to go out with friends, and when plans change, it irritates me. When friends cancel our "date", I'm irritated because Í'll start thinking if not because of this, I could have done this extra experiment. I'm officially a workaholic. And a non-flexible one. I don't think this is healthy. But how can I go far if I'm not a workaholic in such a competitive world.

Sometimes, I think back about my dreams and "ambition" when I was in kindergarten... to be a housewife. It would be so nice to stay at home, take care of my kids, and give my husband a nice massage after he comes back from a long day at work, prepare a nice meal for my family, bake delicious cakes, prepare a nice healthy lunch pack for my kids and husband, go on picnics with my family, etc. Somehow along the way, I became more and more ambitious... from a housewife, I wanted to be a teacher, then a lecturer, then an interior designer, then a doctor, then a research scientist, then a scientific group leader, then a director of a research institute, then a Nobel Prize winner... and now after being irritable with "him" it made me think and rewind back and I think I should start prioritizing my life. Is my Nobel Prize more important or "him"? I may not be able to give up my career advancement, but I'm willing to give up my Nobel Prize. That's a start at least... and someday when we commit to each other on a deeper level for lifelong partnership, maybe I'll prioritize again, and would be happy being a lecturer, and writing books in my spare time.... and have more time for my family.