Action speaks louder than words?

Every now and then, everyone goes through this phase. I've been there a couple of times, but yet it doesn't seem easier. Being brought up in a family where verbal expression of love is rarely used, I have somehow grown to seek it. Just like my riend Judith laughed when she saw me hugging a pillow while sleeping. She said maybe it's because I didn't get hugged a lot a a child, that I'm making up for it now.

There is still a sense of disbelief in me when I've heard the words I wanted to, but yet can't see the actions that support it. But yet, when there's only actions, and the words are contradictory i.e. I don't love you but I do all these nice things all the same, it is just as disturbing as well. Time and again, I try to convince myself that the actions and words will eventually support each other one day, but it is rarely so. I think I can even count with one hand, the number of times my parents have said "I love you" to me, and vice versa. I easily type out "love" in emails and text messages, but saying it out is something else. Is it better to go for actions alone, and forget about the words? But what do we do if we need to hear those words? Isn't that what communication is about? We can't live a life always trying to guess what the other person is feeling. I know I like it very much when friends compliment me,and they tell me they enjoy spending time with me. It's a confirmation of the good times we had, and I know for sure they enjoyed it as much as I do.

I believe it's the actions behind the words that has the power to impact someone's life and most importantly express love for one another! It is a risk and a sacrifice to measure up the actions with the words. Words are easy, but sacrifices have to be made to put the actions together with it; and actions are easy, but risks have to be made to express your vulnerability by saying what you feel.

There is a need to find a balance between words and action, and that's something I would want to learn, and I feel is very important for developing a good relationship with anyone. There will be people who might hurt me along the way as I open myself, and they don't appreciate my time, love and attention, but I will become more alive and open to life and understand the true meaning of love.

Christmas is all about love. A baby boy who grew up and showed us what true love means. Share your love with others this Christmas! Merry Christmas everyone! Remember Jesus is the reason for this season!!

Christmas Wish List

Every year, around Christmas and New Year, I make a list of 10 things that I would like to accomplish/have for the coming year. This year, a few things came to pass.... I got a bf, a laptop, a car, a nice room to settle for the remaining years, a CG in Utrecht. Next year, I will miss what I calculated to be the "perfect" age to having a first child, PhD is jus too taxing for having a baby. Moreover, I don't even know what the status of my relationship is, to even think he is considering marriage, what more about having babies with him. Shucks, time flies! Now I can't accomplish my dream of having my kids finish uni by the time I'm 50. For the coming year:

Career:

1. A paper published in a journal with impact factor >10

2. A scholarship/fellowship to go for CSHL course

Money matters:

3. Start investing, putting aside 100 Euros for it; and saving minimum 500 Euros/month

4. Spend more on personal stuff i.e. more fashionable clothes, better beauty products etc., improving my looks and style. Looks count!

Spiritual life:

5. My mum and dad to come to Christ

6. Lead a CG in Utrecht with a minimum of 5 regular ppl

7. Spend at least 30 minutes/day reading the bible/praying

Family and friends:

8. Allocate more time for family and friends i.e. see family once a year/sponsor them a ticket to come visit; and reply emails and calls of friends more reliably.

9. Communicate more by phone or if possible in person, and not email/text/chat especially about important issues.

10. Bring my relationship with my bf to another level; hopefully with the distance nearer it'll be better.

Emotional, phsychological growth:

11. Be more organized

12. Stop hurrying around, and relax more

13.Drill it in my head that God loves me, and if others don't, it's their loss, and I shouldn't be sad about it. Can't please everyone, ignore those that don't and treasure more those that do love me.

Creativity:

14. Start drawing again, have relaxing creative moments in the weekend.

15. Pen down ideas for writing a book.

Health:

16. Eat less unhealthy food, and keep a balanced diet.

17. Eat breakfast, and go back home to eat/bring dinner if staying in lab late.

18. Join some physical activity i.e jazzdance or aerobics.

Whoops, that's 18 things.... oh well... aim for the sky they say, and if you fall, u'll crush into a million pieces? All those things just as important, can't leave any out.

Sinterklaas Celebration

All the gifts wrapped as a surprise!

Gisti and her Pakjebot

Judith and her Hello Kitty

Anke and her Lieshoutse Eppje

Carina and her Paardje





Ricky and his beer!

























My Sinterklaas present! Awwww.... my darling Tom!

Faraway...

*from xkcd.com

Sinterklaas

It's 2 days to Sinterklaas!! Our lab decided to take half the day off (unofficially!!! Naughty us... when the cat is gone, the mice come out to play!) to celebrate Sinterklaas. Sinterklaas or St. Nicolaas is like Santa Claus. He is a few thousand years old, and he comes and give presents to little kids, stuffing their SHOES with gifts and such. As a thank you note, kids are supposed to leave carrots for the DONKEY of Sinterklaas. And probably also to attract the donkey to make a stopover at their house. For the adults who knows the SECRET of Sinterklaas, of course we have to help Sinterklaas who is ever so busy, and we help him buy gifts for our friends. And not only that, we have to write a ridiculous POEM to go along with it!!!! Either that or make a SURPRISE like a paper mache or something.

Went and did my Sinterklaas shopping on Saturday. Couldn't think of what surprise to make. I decided to get it over with, and wrote my poem for Maria (whom I'm supposed to buy the gift for). Found a Sinterklaas poem Generator, but realized my level of Dutch is not good enough. So only wrote 2 sentences in Dutch, and the rest in English. I realized to make it rhyme, it's quite difficult to limit myself to the simplest words.... but what to do.... Maria speaks minimal English. Hope she at least enjoy the gift. Got her a Ponche Kuba (www.ponchekuba.com):

Sint en Piet zat te bedenken,
Wat ze Maria nu eens zouden schenken.
Sint asked Piet to call the wind,
“Sun is what she needs” he grinned.
The wind blew and blew and blew,
And Sint and Piet caught the flu.
They sat wrapped in layers of blanket,
Piet says “Why don’t we get her a jacket?”
“We should get her something fun” says Sint.
As he says that his eyes sparkle and glint.
“We’ll get her something close to Brazil,
That she can have after a nice meal!”
And with a red and runny nose,
Piet ran to the shop before they close.
And this present he got for you,
With warm greetings from Sint to you.

9/11

Only ppl who have too much free time on their hands can think of such a thing....

Check out this site: http://www.glennbeck.com/news/05172002.shtml for more....

Presentation over!!

Was super busy the last weeks preparing for my annual presentation. Once a year we get the "chance" to present our work to everyone in the research institute. And today was my turn! Was kinda scary because I did some new experiments while Dana was away, and since the data was not what I expected, I had to interpret it myself! But nobody questioned my model... phew! Now it's back to "work" i.e. experiments. Didn't do any this whole week, coz super stressed out with presentation. 4 more months to go.... to finish everything!!!! Arrrrggghhh!!!

Fruity

In my previous post, I mentioned our talk over dinner with Michael Brand about flies and homosexuality. It's actually really interesting. Apparently, there is a gene that changes the sexual behaviour of flies, so instead of courting a female, these flies would court the males, and also welcome being courted. This will obviously be a strong arguement that gays are gays because they can't help it. I listened once to Sy Rogers speaking about homosexuality. Must listen to it again. If gays are gays because they're geneticaly predisposed, then why is it wrong to be gay? It's like a mutation, just like if you have a mutation in a gene that causes you cancer, it doesn't make it wrong to have a growth. Why do we have to make gays straight? Is it God's intention for gays to be gays and we are just judging people? My reasoning is that God asked Adam to be fruitful and multiply. And even if you don't believe in the bible, it's quite obvious our "function" to pass on our genes to the next generation. Even animals do it naturally. If gays are meant to be, then why can't men produce offspring with men, and similarly women with women?

Check out this link to read more about "fruity" or the scientific and more politically correct term "fruitless" fly.

http://www.wellcome.ac.uk/doc_WTD004521.html

Women in Science

While talking to Michael Brand about "science" stuff, we somehow diverted to the topic of giving birth (I can't think how we got to the subject, vaguely recalling we were dicussing about flies and homosexuality just before). And I said that Dana thinks I should get married and have kids only AFTER my PhD, as for an obvious reason, it would take up a lot of my time, and I would be less flexible to work in the weekends etc. and in the long run, slow down productivity. He was rather surprised. He said after a PhD, it doesn't get easier, responsibilities just get bigger, and workload just increases. From post-doc, you aim for group leader, from group leader you aim for director of research institutes, and it goes on. And he said that Chistiane Nusslein-Volhard actually has donated a part of her Nobel Prize money towards a fund that supports "mothers" in research. And so I was taking a break and decided to do some googling, and found that there is an award to support young women in science. And was even more surprised that a Malaysian has won it in 2001. And when I clicked on the link....

I almost choked. There she was staring me in the face, one of the worst lecturers ever, Dr. Suraini Abdul Aziz. How did they even pick her?!? The I found out that the only was you can be considered for this award is if you are nominated by your country. I rest my case.

Health Questions answered...

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. Or better yet... No Pain = No Pain.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Storms....

This morning it rained yet again! Now there's another few new leaks in my ceiling. When oh when will they fix it? A few months ago, when there was a storm, my whole roof was literally blown off... and now at this new place, again I'm having roofing problems. I wanted to go for the first service today, but stayed home instead and observed my leakage. The sky cleared up awhile later, and I made it for the second service. Ironically, Rev Phil Pringle said faith is that even if there's a storm, you will still go to church, even if your house floods over, you will still make it to church. And I was worried about a little leak. Shucks...

The last week has been difficult. I didn't get a scholarship to go to a conference in Utah, Salt Lake City. Was quite dissapointed especially since my supervisor said I have to decide if I want to go to this conference.... if I go for this one, I can't go for any other conferences anymore throughout my PhD. I felt that it was really unfair. She told me I could go to a zebrafish conference and another conference of my choice every year! And now, she changed her mind?!? But that's my personal scientific budget! I didn't even spend much... all the conferences I've been to, I've received travel grants. I made an effort to always apply for scholarships so that I could go to any conference I want to! The other PhD student didn't even apply for any scholarships,and she's always been to 2 or more conferences a year! Sighz.... sometimes I think it's so unfair. I put in so much hard work..... but yet..... experiments don't work out, scholarship applications get rejected.... arrrggghhh!

But no matter what, I'm going to praise God! I can overcome all things.No matter how exhausted I feel, God will be my strength! I'm not going to sleep 12 hours/ day anymore! God will heal me from my lethargy. My experiments will work out. God will reveal new inspirations and idea for my experiments. God will bless my relationships with my friends. I praise God for the sun that always shine so brightly after a storm. And I can see my sun peeking out now through the clouds..... in all things, praise God!

Imagination running wild...

When I come back late at night, all tired out, and sit down on the sofa.... I wish Sam was here next to me. And when I look up at the wooden panels above my head, I remember the funny moment when we were both just sitting down and looking at the wooden panels and having our imagination run wild... since then, I've identified a few new ones!

Rabbit:



















Gandalf from LOTR:



















Skunk:






















Little chick:















Deer:





















Crying rhino? (I thought it looked more like a crying dinosaur fossil):

God therapy, shopping therapy and KFC therapy

I spent the day taking a long walk outside in nature, being in God's presence. then did some shopping therapy and bought a bluetooth headset, then bought myself a KFC meal.... and it's so therapeutic. I'm not irritable anymore! ;)

Check out my new bluetoothe headset: Jabra BT500V

Took me awhile to configure it to use it with my laptop, since I'm almost technologically illiterate. Decided I was going to multitask, and get a bluetooth so I can do other things while chatting!! How's that for efficiency?

My fully loaded meal: I used to have KFC mashed potatoes when I'm feeling a bit out of the weather... but they don't have it here, but a KFC meal is good enough!

Jinny = Irritable

This week has been a rather productive week. I found a new mutant, did tons of immunohistochemistry, did a TUNEL assay and an in situ hybridization; and on top of that, I pen down the figures of my first scientific paper, and made changes to the introduction for the paper. But it wasn't enough... I still had loads of things to do. All the workload running round and round in my head made me irritable. I wasn't really in a bad mood. Most of the time, I was smiling and joking around. But irritable I was...

And today, as usual Saturday is my "calling day"... but mum and dad wasn't at home to pick up the phone, and he was somehow occupied. And as I sat in front of the computer staring blankly at it, I was irritable. I was annoyed that I had pushed all my experiments till later, and that means that I have to stay in the lab till past midnight (and have to wake up early to go to church the next morning)... and all because I wanted to chat with my loved ones, and yet don't get to really with them. Instead I was just waiting and waiting... not knowing if they were busy and not expecting to chat with ... and that I could go on and do my own stuff, or if they were going to be free in a short moment. This not knowing made me irritable. I felt like I was wasting my time. And I couldn't start with my own stuff, because once I start, I've to continue working for many many hours. So I waited and waited, until I decided to just forget it, and do my own stuff, before I get more irritable and start growling.

I realized the higher I go in my career, the less time I have for my friends. Everything has to be planned. Organized. I even have a plan for "rest". I have to make an extra effort to go out with friends, and when plans change, it irritates me. When friends cancel our "date", I'm irritated because Í'll start thinking if not because of this, I could have done this extra experiment. I'm officially a workaholic. And a non-flexible one. I don't think this is healthy. But how can I go far if I'm not a workaholic in such a competitive world.

Sometimes, I think back about my dreams and "ambition" when I was in kindergarten... to be a housewife. It would be so nice to stay at home, take care of my kids, and give my husband a nice massage after he comes back from a long day at work, prepare a nice meal for my family, bake delicious cakes, prepare a nice healthy lunch pack for my kids and husband, go on picnics with my family, etc. Somehow along the way, I became more and more ambitious... from a housewife, I wanted to be a teacher, then a lecturer, then an interior designer, then a doctor, then a research scientist, then a scientific group leader, then a director of a research institute, then a Nobel Prize winner... and now after being irritable with "him" it made me think and rewind back and I think I should start prioritizing my life. Is my Nobel Prize more important or "him"? I may not be able to give up my career advancement, but I'm willing to give up my Nobel Prize. That's a start at least... and someday when we commit to each other on a deeper level for lifelong partnership, maybe I'll prioritize again, and would be happy being a lecturer, and writing books in my spare time.... and have more time for my family.

Tagged...

Nothing to do.. so for fun got this from Sam's blog who got it from Herb's blog

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Secondary school teacher: Form 6 Class teacher, Pre-U Chemistry, Form 3 science
2. Tuition teacher: Bahasa Malaysia, English, Science
3. Research Technician: UPM working on oil palm
4. Research Assistant in Training (PhD): Present job, playing with zebrafish.

Four Movies I have watched over and over;
1. You've got mail
2. Serendipity
3. Top Gun
4. Gattaca

Four places I have lived:
1. Setapak, Kuala Lumpur
2. Serdang, UPM
3. Bath, UK
4. Utrecht, The Netherlands

Four Shows I love to watch:
1. CSI (only Las Vegas)
2. Heroes
3. House MD
4. The Nanny

Four Places I have been on vacation:
1. Stockholm, Sweden
2. Basel and Interlaken, Switzerland
3. Paris and The Loire Valley, France
4. Berlin, Germany

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Hokkien mee
2. Grandma's "mee hun ker" (flour cake cooked in soup?)
3. Nasi lemak with sotong sambal and kerang
4. Lut-lut (steamboat)

Four favorite drinks:
1. Fruit juice
2. Chocomel (chocolate drink)
3. Root beer or Pepsi
4. Teh O'Ais Limau

Four places (and activities) I would rather be (doing) right now:
1. With "him" doing anything or doing nothing
2. In Malaysia enjoying good food and warm weather
3. Bungee jumping/Para-gliding
4. Cooking and eating...

Trip to Karlsruhe

My lab went on a "lab trip" to Karlsruhe, and stayed in the boring-est ever "village" Eggenstein. We arrived late evening, unpacked, and tried to find a place to eat dinner. Found a Restaurant Loewe that was super expensive... almost as expensive as the Nobel Prize Menu in Stockholm! The whole street was empty, it's like a ghost town. In the end we found a "Chinese" restaurant... I would call it more of a student's cheap eatery. I had koolowyuk (sweet and sour pork):













It was more like fried potatoes! With tomato puree poured over the rice. Quite gross. It's super oily, had stomach ache the next day!

Dinner the next day was good... we were treated to the expensive restaurant! I guess that's the only edible restaurant around. It was quite a good choice, we booked the whole restaurant, so there were no background noise to disturb our "scientific" talks!

Appetizers: Whipped cheese (slurp. yummy!) and quail egg with basil.













Starters: Garden salad -literally. They just pluck whatever they have in the garden I think There were rose petals, some grass (really!!) and leaves (not kidding!)... and some normal salad veggies. The salad veggies were nice with the salad dressing.

Main: Chicken with creamy white wine gravy.

Dessert: Looks pretty eh? Appeltaart, but different from the Dutch ones... it's half an apple on a yummy pastry. Everyone was just trying to scrape the chocolate off... to no avail.

The Good ol' Days...

Today Matt from CCC Bath and Bristol (http://www.christiancitychurch.eu/bathandbristol) came to visit my church in Amsterdam. He just came back from Israel and had a stopover in Amsterdam. It has been almost 2 years since I last saw him! We were together in an Intercession group of 5 people back in CCC Bath (at that time it was known as Freedom Center). He's also leading the CAP (Christian Against Poverty) group in Bath. He has a big heart for the homeless. Meeting him again makes me think of the good ol' days in Bath. It was rather different in Bath compared to Amsterdam, although we share the same Kingdom culture. It felt really homely back in Bath. There's a sort of cosy, warm feeling. Instead of meeting in a cafe, usually we would meet in someone's home. There are also families offering to host students for lunch etc. There is just a sense of a small community or a big family. I miss just chilling out for Connect Group at Cath's and Danii's house. I miss the home baked cookies and cakes before and after service. I miss the children waving their flags and dancing around in front during worship. I miss Pastor Betsy, she's just so bubbly and full of life. And she's probably one of the few rare ones that can get people saved while drinking coffee with a stranger in Starbucks! When you meet Betsy, she is soooo warm, and full of love, that you just feel sooo comfortable and feel like you can share anything with her. It's so great! I miss walking to church with Shanon, shivering during the winter and walking full speed; and just strolling happily during summertime. I miss the shoppings and lunches that I do with Shanon after church. I miss the kids in Kids Crew (ages 7-9), I still remember Moses punching Josh (Pastor Andrew's eldest son), and his nose bled!! I was shocked! Boys... sheesh! The girls were adorable! I miss Jon and Rachel Wilcox, my CG leaders! I miss Pastor Andrew's preaching, he's really intense. Super good! I miss Pastor Betsy's preaching, her way of preaching is different from Pastor Andrew, she tells it in more of a story, makes it very real and relevant. I could go on forever...

But now I'm in CCC Amsterdam (http://www.christiancitychurch.eu/amsterdam/), and it's really cool too! It has brought me to another level of faith. In Amsterdam, maybe it's because the people here are city people, their perception of things are different. Maybe that's why I get drawn to Lizby, she has a familiar "British-ness" about her. The atmostphere in CCC Amsterdam is friendly and nice, but you do get the extra boost of Pastor James' vision, and the leaders have a very vision-like mindset! It's cool! I love it! There's just sooo many things to learn from the leaders here. Pastor James is the overseer of the CCC International in Europe. And he always say that he used to be really shy, and scared to preach... kinda hard to believe actually. And he used to be a hippie! But it shows how much God can transform your life.

Sometimes, thinking back makes me yearn for all the good things back then. And sometimes I miss the good things ahead of me. But I've learn to trust God for my future, and wherever He leads me, I know it's gonna be good and even better!

I'm an aunt!

My cute lil' niece Shannon Leaw was born on 17th September 2007! And that officially makes me an aunt... makes me sound kinda OLD! Arrrgghh! She's grown quite big now in just a month!

Just a week after birth:

After all the breast milk and formula milk for a month:














She's so chubby and cute, just wanna pinch her cute rosy cheeks!
She can even make funny faces too... hmm... is that following Mummy or Daddy?

Darwinism

Remember the guy whom everyone is talking about when going for the attack against God? No... not Dawkins... it's Darwin! Actually I don't think Darwin was against the idea of a Creator, but that's another story. Anyway, some people have actually started an award called the Darwin Award. It's given to people who help improve the species by removing themselved from the gene pool! Check out this really silly and amusing website, honouring all these award "winners" http://www.darwinawards.com/. And also if you can't win the Nobel Prize, why not try for the Ig Nobel Prize instead? Too bad my research is too significant to qualify... darn....

Back to blogging?

Random people have told me that they really like reading my blog, but being totally absorbed in research, Ministry and Sam (not in correct order.. Ministry and Sam comes first)... it just sucks all the time away! But I'll TRY to update interesting things (or not to some people) once in awhile, in between my experiments... ;)